This Friday morning before the sun rise, shoppers will stand outside in the dark. They do this so they can spend money they don’t have on things no one needs. But it is the biggest shopping day of the year.
The process begins with studying the ads to see if the item on somebody’s wish list is on sale, or if an item is priced so low you can’t pass it up. The stores open earlier than normal and they discount their prices (sometimes to ridiculous levels) to draw people inside.
I’ve done this. I read the newspapers, and occasionally the ads, but this time of year I like to get in the Christmas mood, so I survey the ads to see what I want (need has very little to do with it). One year my daughter, Jennifer, and I got up early - like 5:00 a.m. - to participate in the madness. If you have ever thought about going to Palermo to run with the bulls may I suggest day-after-Thanksgiving shopping as a warm-up?
Having waited in the cold outside the store, we were shoved through the chute when it opened. Propelled along with the rest of the herd, we stampeded through the store. Carefully avoiding the china I managed to find the luggage set that was on sale. Resisting the temptation to use it as a battering ram I hoisted it above my head.
Jennifer and I then made our way to the kitchen gadget section and picked up a large electric grill (the six-pancake model). Armed with our oversized gifts, we were shielded from the aggressive advances by the other shoppers. We paid for our items and left the madhouse. By now the coffee shop had opened, so we sat in there and had some caffeine to unwind.
Not all my Christmas shopping experiences were like this. When I was young downtown Belle Plaine was brightly decorated with lights, bells and candy canes. In the middle of the main intersection a large bell hung suspended by large swags of garland covered cable. Snow would gather on this centerpiece and then blow off as the bell swayed in the wind.
The Coast to Coast hardware store would open its second floor to the public a couple weeks before Christmas. In that hardware store attic - 30 stair steps above hammers and nails, brushes and paint - children would see what Santa’s elves had been making in his workshop. There were toy guns, games, rockets to Mars, cars, dolls, dishes, trains and trucks.
One year, Mom took Terry, my little brother (who now stands two inches taller than me), and me to that magical world. Like most families with several children, we drew names for gift buying (which were then posted on the refrigerator for all to see). Terry picked my name so Mom helped him choose a gift for me.
On the way home, Terry, who was about four or five, had me guess what he had bought me for Christmas. At first I declined to guess, but he persisted.
“A truck,” I suggested.
“Nope,” he said
“A game,” I asked.
“Nope,” he said with a grin.
“A gun,” I offered.
Immediately tears welled up in his eyes. He leaned over the front seat and announced “Mom, he guessed.”
I got a toy gun that year for Christmas, and so did Terry (from Santa). We played with those guns together for many years. I no longer play guessing games when it comes to gifts; I prefer to be left in the dark with the rest of the shoppers.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
What you don't know can kill you
Steve, one of the guys that will still talk to me after forty-five years, was in my garage the other day. Inclining his head toward the gas-guzzling, non-clunked SUV he said,
“It looks like those tires could use some air Jer,”
They did look a little low, but am I supposed to keep track of that? Steve’s family was in the car business for many years, so he has that over me. I’m not a mechanic. I have people for this kind of thing. Must I add psi to my list of things to be mindful of?
The amount of things that I need to be aware of, to think of, to know is becoming a bit too much for me to handle, but you already knew that didn’t you? I tell you it’s enough to drive a man to drink, except I am not even sure what to drink anymore. Whether it’s coffee, red wine, water, or milk, you can find opposing views advancing arguments for the merits of consuming more or less of each of these.
I have given up on having a working knowledge of all the areas of my life. For example: I have chosen to not become an expert in the kitchen. If I had to, I could be very comfortable eating cereal three times a day. It has that rich, tasty goodness that kids love and mothers trust. I stick with cereal because of the whole balanced diet thing that I am supposed to know about. The milk covers the dairy end of the spectrum, for fruit you can eat Raisin Bran, or Fruit Loops. The added sugar will keep you going all day. The required dietary grain element is in all cereals (don’t take my word for it – like I said, I’m no expert). For the vegetable part I recommend Corn Puffs.
The older I get, the less I know, and what I don’t know about the day to day stuff can fill whole libraries. It’s likely there is an update for my computer, it’s possible the windows in my house need to be replaced, perhaps a warranty is about to expire, or maybe someone I know expired and I missed their obituary.
Sometimes I find myself in situations where I feel alone in my ignorance. The first time I was on a plane with an in-flight movie “A Fish called Wanda,” was the feature. When I put on the headphones I was surprised that they were playing the French language version. Wishing I had tried a little bit harder in my high school French class I was only able to pick-up a few of the words. The guy seated next to me seemed to be enjoying the movie so I asked him if he understood French. He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.
“You have to turn that dial to English,” he explained as if he were talking to a child.
“I knew that,” I said with a laugh. “Of course, I was kidding.”
Humorist Will Rogers said “All I know is just what I read in the papers.” Communist Karl Marx said “All I know is that I am not a Marxist.”
Kenneth Grahame wrote in “The Wind in the Willows,”
“The clever men at Oxford
Know all that there is to be knowed.
But they none of them know one half as much
As intelligent Mr. Toad!
Even someone as smart as Mr. Toad probably didn’t check the air pressure in his tires either. But then we may have missed out on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
“It looks like those tires could use some air Jer,”
They did look a little low, but am I supposed to keep track of that? Steve’s family was in the car business for many years, so he has that over me. I’m not a mechanic. I have people for this kind of thing. Must I add psi to my list of things to be mindful of?
The amount of things that I need to be aware of, to think of, to know is becoming a bit too much for me to handle, but you already knew that didn’t you? I tell you it’s enough to drive a man to drink, except I am not even sure what to drink anymore. Whether it’s coffee, red wine, water, or milk, you can find opposing views advancing arguments for the merits of consuming more or less of each of these.
I have given up on having a working knowledge of all the areas of my life. For example: I have chosen to not become an expert in the kitchen. If I had to, I could be very comfortable eating cereal three times a day. It has that rich, tasty goodness that kids love and mothers trust. I stick with cereal because of the whole balanced diet thing that I am supposed to know about. The milk covers the dairy end of the spectrum, for fruit you can eat Raisin Bran, or Fruit Loops. The added sugar will keep you going all day. The required dietary grain element is in all cereals (don’t take my word for it – like I said, I’m no expert). For the vegetable part I recommend Corn Puffs.
The older I get, the less I know, and what I don’t know about the day to day stuff can fill whole libraries. It’s likely there is an update for my computer, it’s possible the windows in my house need to be replaced, perhaps a warranty is about to expire, or maybe someone I know expired and I missed their obituary.
Sometimes I find myself in situations where I feel alone in my ignorance. The first time I was on a plane with an in-flight movie “A Fish called Wanda,” was the feature. When I put on the headphones I was surprised that they were playing the French language version. Wishing I had tried a little bit harder in my high school French class I was only able to pick-up a few of the words. The guy seated next to me seemed to be enjoying the movie so I asked him if he understood French. He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.
“You have to turn that dial to English,” he explained as if he were talking to a child.
“I knew that,” I said with a laugh. “Of course, I was kidding.”
Humorist Will Rogers said “All I know is just what I read in the papers.” Communist Karl Marx said “All I know is that I am not a Marxist.”
Kenneth Grahame wrote in “The Wind in the Willows,”
“The clever men at Oxford
Know all that there is to be knowed.
But they none of them know one half as much
As intelligent Mr. Toad!
Even someone as smart as Mr. Toad probably didn’t check the air pressure in his tires either. But then we may have missed out on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Christopher Robin
Dropping sticks in a river with your children is more fun than it sounds. This summer Rhonda and I, along with Jennifer and Nathan, our two adult children, went down to Lanesboro and biked on the trails. If you like riding bikes and you get along with your family I can recommend Lanesboro for a family vacation. Otherwise stay home and watch TV.
The bike trail crosses over the Root River. Stopping on the bridge, Nathan grabbed fours sticks and invited us to play a round of Pooh-sticks. This game, straight out of Winnie-the-Pooh, involves dropping the sticks on one side of the bridge and peering over the other side to see which stick floats by first. There is not much strategy needed, just the right current, but win or lose you won’t forget the moment.
I want to write a children’s book. It’s just that I am having a little trouble getting started. It’s not writer’s block, which I define as the inability to fill the blank page. It’s much bigger than that – it’s writer’s mock. I can’t decide which children’s classic I want to use as my spring board to fame and fortune.
The “Wicked,” series is being referred to as a parallel to Frank L. Baum’s “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.” Seems to me someone just stole Baum’s characters and used them as their own.
Frank Beddor has written “The Looking Glass Wars,” which the “Minneapolis Star Tribune” calls a reimagining of “Alice in Wonderland.” Has originality fallen out of favor? Go ask Alice - I think she’ll know.
The one that bothers me the most is “Return to the Hundred Acre Wood,” by David Benedictus. It tries to continue the story of Christopher Robin and friends. Unlike the way some childhoods end abruptly, Milne had ended that childhood story elegantly.
In the final pages of “The House at Pooh Corner,” Milne wrote how Christopher Robin tries to prepare his friend, the stuffed bear, for the unavoidable change they will experience when Christopher Robin grows up.
“Pooh, promise you won’t forget about me, ever. Not even when I’m a hundred.”
“How old shall I be then?”
“Ninety-nine.”
Pooh nodded. “I promise,” he said.
Why try and improve on a masterpiece? The copying of classics is a disturbing trend, but I may want to cash in on this plagiaristic party. So with that in mind I am toying with a couple ideas myself.
“No longer Velveteen, this rabbit is mean,” is a story of how the Velveteen Rabbit, joins up with a gang of rabbits from Watership Down. Hopping a train they travel to Pottersville where they bake Old man McGregor in a pie. The little rabbit then marries Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail. After all, why should marriage be confined to just one man and one woman?
“Green Scales,” finds Jackie Paper and Puff “The Magic Dragon,” reunited again in Honah Lee. Having lost all of his money supporting his drug habit, Jackie searches for his life-long friend along the Cherry Lane. There they join up with a band of pirates, and using the autumn mist as cover, they raid the yachts of noble kings and princes.
To try and add pages to a classic children’s book and call it your own seems wrong. But to borrow pages from the same book to make a memory with your children on a summer afternoon seems about right. Someday my children may have fun with their children dropping sticks in a river and watching them float away. Or maybe, they may borrow a page from their dad’s writing to make a memory.
The bike trail crosses over the Root River. Stopping on the bridge, Nathan grabbed fours sticks and invited us to play a round of Pooh-sticks. This game, straight out of Winnie-the-Pooh, involves dropping the sticks on one side of the bridge and peering over the other side to see which stick floats by first. There is not much strategy needed, just the right current, but win or lose you won’t forget the moment.
I want to write a children’s book. It’s just that I am having a little trouble getting started. It’s not writer’s block, which I define as the inability to fill the blank page. It’s much bigger than that – it’s writer’s mock. I can’t decide which children’s classic I want to use as my spring board to fame and fortune.
The “Wicked,” series is being referred to as a parallel to Frank L. Baum’s “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.” Seems to me someone just stole Baum’s characters and used them as their own.
Frank Beddor has written “The Looking Glass Wars,” which the “Minneapolis Star Tribune” calls a reimagining of “Alice in Wonderland.” Has originality fallen out of favor? Go ask Alice - I think she’ll know.
The one that bothers me the most is “Return to the Hundred Acre Wood,” by David Benedictus. It tries to continue the story of Christopher Robin and friends. Unlike the way some childhoods end abruptly, Milne had ended that childhood story elegantly.
In the final pages of “The House at Pooh Corner,” Milne wrote how Christopher Robin tries to prepare his friend, the stuffed bear, for the unavoidable change they will experience when Christopher Robin grows up.
“Pooh, promise you won’t forget about me, ever. Not even when I’m a hundred.”
“How old shall I be then?”
“Ninety-nine.”
Pooh nodded. “I promise,” he said.
Why try and improve on a masterpiece? The copying of classics is a disturbing trend, but I may want to cash in on this plagiaristic party. So with that in mind I am toying with a couple ideas myself.
“No longer Velveteen, this rabbit is mean,” is a story of how the Velveteen Rabbit, joins up with a gang of rabbits from Watership Down. Hopping a train they travel to Pottersville where they bake Old man McGregor in a pie. The little rabbit then marries Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail. After all, why should marriage be confined to just one man and one woman?
“Green Scales,” finds Jackie Paper and Puff “The Magic Dragon,” reunited again in Honah Lee. Having lost all of his money supporting his drug habit, Jackie searches for his life-long friend along the Cherry Lane. There they join up with a band of pirates, and using the autumn mist as cover, they raid the yachts of noble kings and princes.
To try and add pages to a classic children’s book and call it your own seems wrong. But to borrow pages from the same book to make a memory with your children on a summer afternoon seems about right. Someday my children may have fun with their children dropping sticks in a river and watching them float away. Or maybe, they may borrow a page from their dad’s writing to make a memory.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Favorite Time of Year
Mom used to warn me about wishing my life away. Whenever I would look past the present and concentrate on some future event she would remind me that each day has its own blessings and should be appreciated. I don’t think her reasoning applies to the long winter months though.
Abraham Lincoln said “It is true that you may fool all the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all the time; but you can’t fool all of the people all the time.” To this I would add – but you can fool yourself most of the time.
This is a good time of year to engage in such an exercise. We have not had an exceptionally beautiful fall this year – rather below average actually, but with the proper perspective this time of year seems to fly by.
The autumn days can be very labile. I chose labile, which means liable to change because my smart aleck sister, Colleen, used it in a sentence the other day and I didn’t know what it meant – so I looked it up.
We are enjoying less sunlight, the days are getting shorter and the pumpkin is rotting on the step. I know it won’t last; the good things never do. There is nothing like wind, rain and snow to push a guy indoors where he can relax.
November and December just don’t last long enough. Thanksgiving and Christmas dominate the months with one long holiday season. Thanksgiving is only three weeks away, and then bam – the biggest shopping day of the year.
Only a heretic could ignore the hectic, chaotic Christmas season. I haven’t even started my shopping yet (my very wise father-in-law always did his on December 24th). The calendar is already filling up with parties and events. I just don’t know when I’ll have the time to get all of those Christmas cards addressed.
We all know about January – it just rushes past. You are just getting through Christmas with the gifts, the comings and goings of all the relatives, and then wham – Happy New Year. There are more parties to attend, and you have to find time to stand in line to secretly return the gift that you had gazed at with glee declaring “I love it.”
Where does the time go? Why it seems like just last year ... of course it was just last year wasn’t it? (Feel free to use that joke early in January.) I barely have time to get all of my thank-you notes written before I flip the page and say hello to February – the shortest month of the year.
There is not a lot of pre-scheduled activity in February, which is a good thing as it gives you plenty of time for all of those indoor winter activities you have been looking forward to: playing board games, doing cross-word puzzles, latch-hooking rugs, putting together jig-saw puzzles, finding the jumper cables and drinking hot-chocolate.
Before you know it, March comes roaring in. Unfortunately, March has a reputation for becoming a bit sheepish at the end of the month. This month simply cannot be relied on for consistent good old-fashioned winter weather. Oh sure, people say “March can be your snowiest month,” but that’s just wishful thinking because with spring around the corner the snow just doesn’t have any staying power. But for now let’s live it up, for soon enough winter will be gone.
I am not fooling myself. It’s going to be a long winter, and I won’t wish it away. There are many things to enjoy right now.
Abraham Lincoln said “It is true that you may fool all the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all the time; but you can’t fool all of the people all the time.” To this I would add – but you can fool yourself most of the time.
This is a good time of year to engage in such an exercise. We have not had an exceptionally beautiful fall this year – rather below average actually, but with the proper perspective this time of year seems to fly by.
The autumn days can be very labile. I chose labile, which means liable to change because my smart aleck sister, Colleen, used it in a sentence the other day and I didn’t know what it meant – so I looked it up.
We are enjoying less sunlight, the days are getting shorter and the pumpkin is rotting on the step. I know it won’t last; the good things never do. There is nothing like wind, rain and snow to push a guy indoors where he can relax.
November and December just don’t last long enough. Thanksgiving and Christmas dominate the months with one long holiday season. Thanksgiving is only three weeks away, and then bam – the biggest shopping day of the year.
Only a heretic could ignore the hectic, chaotic Christmas season. I haven’t even started my shopping yet (my very wise father-in-law always did his on December 24th). The calendar is already filling up with parties and events. I just don’t know when I’ll have the time to get all of those Christmas cards addressed.
We all know about January – it just rushes past. You are just getting through Christmas with the gifts, the comings and goings of all the relatives, and then wham – Happy New Year. There are more parties to attend, and you have to find time to stand in line to secretly return the gift that you had gazed at with glee declaring “I love it.”
Where does the time go? Why it seems like just last year ... of course it was just last year wasn’t it? (Feel free to use that joke early in January.) I barely have time to get all of my thank-you notes written before I flip the page and say hello to February – the shortest month of the year.
There is not a lot of pre-scheduled activity in February, which is a good thing as it gives you plenty of time for all of those indoor winter activities you have been looking forward to: playing board games, doing cross-word puzzles, latch-hooking rugs, putting together jig-saw puzzles, finding the jumper cables and drinking hot-chocolate.
Before you know it, March comes roaring in. Unfortunately, March has a reputation for becoming a bit sheepish at the end of the month. This month simply cannot be relied on for consistent good old-fashioned winter weather. Oh sure, people say “March can be your snowiest month,” but that’s just wishful thinking because with spring around the corner the snow just doesn’t have any staying power. But for now let’s live it up, for soon enough winter will be gone.
I am not fooling myself. It’s going to be a long winter, and I won’t wish it away. There are many things to enjoy right now.
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