Halloween

Next weekend is Halloween, the time of year where it becomes permissible to borrow someone else’s identity and panhandle, kind of like panning for gold and rocks, but this time candy is the sought after treasure. This is the season for trick-or-treating, watching “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” and playing dress-up.

My costume-donning experience goes back to the glory days of Halloween when a kid could get a year’s supply of teeth decaying treasure with only a few hours of effort.

My earliest memory of the hedonistic holiday is through the eye-holes of a suffocating plastic clown mask (the kind with the elastic string which becomes eternally entwined with your hair and rips it from its roots upon removal). I carried a brown grocery bag that confirmed the collection of the candy with a papery popping sound.

Using the station wagon as a base, my brothers and sisters and I would steal from patio to porch while Dad would carefully traverse the crowded streets so as to not send little ghosts and goblins to their graves.

Back home I sorted the candy on top of my blankets and buried the remaining booty underneath my bed. If carefully rationed over the long winter the supply could last until Easter when a fresh shipment was scheduled to be delivered.

When I went to college I gave up trick-or-treating because as everyone knows you are not supposed to take candy from strangers – and college is full of strange people. But then there were the costume parties. One year a few friends and I each bought matching long coats at Ragstock, some berets, a few squirt guns, and went as the French Resistance. I still smile when I think about it.

So as a public service, I am going to share some costume ideas. I make no promises regarding the ease of putting these together, but you should have plenty of time to get ready before the social event of the season: the neighborhood costume party.

For women - you can go as Sarah Palin; men you can dress up as Tim Pawlenty. Both of these characters, having become bored with being a governor, appear to be in the early stages of a presidential campaign. But what makes them prime candidates for parody is that they won’t admit to any future plans. So if you dress up as one of them you can spend the entire evening dodging questions, being evasive and talking in circles.

Couples could go as Kanye West and Taylor Swift and walk around interrupting one another and stealing each other’s microphones. Or, they could duct tape a camcorder conspicuously on their shoulder. Pretending to be a pimp and a prostitute, the couple could ask others for advice.

Carry around a small sheet of plastic. If you pretend it’s a teleprompter you would always have a prepared speech on display in front of you. This way you would never be at a loss for words.

Dress up as a census taker. By doing this you could ask anyone inappropriate questions, and when you are challenged merely reply: “I am from the government and I am here to help you.”

Go as the president and write stimulus checks to people, and then later on in the night you could hand out more money to bail them out.

Three or more individuals could go as an award’s committee and give out prizes for some future accomplishment that they hope will be achieved. For prizes give pebbles so the winners can say in their best Charlie Brown voice “I got a rock.”