Menu please

I missed an opportunity last week; one that may not come my way again if things don’t change. I could have and should have gone out to eat for one of those big “hungry man” breakfasts, the kind where you get a couple eggs, sausage or bacon, hash brown potatoes, some toast (with jelly), maybe some pancakes, a glass of juice and a cup of coffee. After one of those you can skip lunch, maybe even supper and use the extra time for something else – like taking a nap. It could have been like the last meal they give to the condemned.

It’s too late now; a reordering of my menu has been called for. I have been advised to go on a low-fat, no-fun diet. Apparently, I was killing myself with my dietary decisions. Last week I went to the doctor for my annual physical. As part of the arrangement it is assumed that I will submit to some rather unpleasant probes and prods by the practitioner. In addition, blood was drawn and tested for the existence and absence of all manner of things.

The results came in a couple days ago. Of the four categories, I am outside all the accepted boundaries of where “they” say I should be. Nothing alarming mind you; however, the nurse did ask if I had a health-care directive.

So now to survive another 48 years I have to eat the “right” foods. From what I read from “the list” this means, among other things, to decrease or eliminate sweets. Soda is listed as an example. Why anyone would eat baking soda is less puzzling than why it’s listed as a sweet. Oh well, check that off the list.

Candy is also on the list. That’s an easy one to give up since I don’t really like hard candy anyway, especially the sour stuff. I didn’t see chocolate, so I guess that must be O.K. I’ve heard some good things about dark chocolate, so I’ll load up on that instead.

Refined carbohydrates were mentioned as something to avoid. Refined anything sounds rather cultured and high-brow for my mid-west palate. I lean towards the simple, some would even say unsavory tastes. Give me a loaf of bread, a plate of noodles, a quart of chocolate milk, and I am as happy as I can be.

Further down towards the end of the list omega-3 fatty acids were brought up. I guess I missed the first two of the heavy-set Greek acids. Anyway, I thought I was supposed to avoid fat. Now I am told to consume fatty fish twice a week. Sounds like a good opportunity to visit a nice seafood restaurant – doctor’s orders. Other foods high in omega-3 fatness are walnuts (they taste great in brownies) and dark leafy green vegetables. I like them in a salad generously topped with croutons and French dressing.

Next, to confuse me even more, I am told high fat meats are off the table, but fat fish can be the catch-of-the-day twice a week. Meats with a high fat content include lunchmeats, hot dogs and variety meats (you don’t want to know what that is).

It is suggested that I reach and maintain a healthy weight. That won’t be too tough on this diet. If not for that fat fish, I would waste away to nothing. Now if I only start exercising on a regular basis everything will be OK. I am already planning my celebratory meal. I should be pretty hungry by then, hungry enough for a man’s size breakfast. I like my bacon crunchy, if you don’t mind.