Hostess

My friend Jeff, who enjoys stretching the truth (he likes to fib for fun), recently told me that Hostess had filed for bankruptcy. The company brought me the nutritional foundations of my youth: Ding Dongs, Donettes, Twinkies, Suzy Q’s, Hostess Fruit Pies (with real fruit filling), Sno balls, Zingers and Ho Ho’s. I couldn’t imagine life without them.

I’ve been burnt a time or two by Jeff’s stories, so at first I refused to believe him. But, unfortunately I found out its true. The Wall Street Journal ran a story on January 12th of this year: “Hostess Brands Inc. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection Wednesday to confront burdensome debt and labor costs that the Twinkies and Wonder Bread baker says have left it fighting to compete.”

While Hostess is reorganizing so it can survive I thought it would be a good idea to show some support. Wonder Bread, as we all know, “Helps build strong bodies 12 ways.” Here are my 12 suggestions to help build a strong Hostess.

1. Not long ago I became aware of a great way to take care of myself – candy- flavored vitamins for adults. They not only taste great, they’re good for you. So let’s add some zip to Zingers by loading them with all the recommended daily requirements.
2. The government stepped in to save GM, Goldman Sachs, Bank of America and AIG because they are too big to fail; I submit that Hostess is no less important. I demand that Washington keep Hostess from expiring
3. Certainly business would step up if Hostess products were included as part of the school lunch programs. Twinkie the Kid would ride again
4. Make Hostess snack cakes and fruit pies popular again with a new ad slogan. “Hostess, we’ve been ruining appetites since 1921.”
5. Pre-packaged snack cakes make great gifts. And since they seem to last forever, stock up with a case or two so you’ll have some on hand.
6. Everybody likes pie, and what better way to say “Welcome to the neighborhood,” or “Congratulations on your engagement,” than with a delicious Hostess fruit pie (made with real fruit filling). Be sure to have an assortment on hand for the holidays.
7. Hostess could hold a national essay contest with the theme “What’s your favorite Hostess memory?” Mine would include a Hostess blueberry pie (made with real fruit filling) enjoyed on the hood of my car during a summer job lunch break.
8. The Minnesota Twins could sponsor “Twinkie Day.” A pack of Twinkies would be given to everyone at the game.
9. Host a Hostess Party and serve sandwiches made from Wonder bread. Be sure and save the bags. Your guests will be impressed when you demonstrate the many uses of those brightly colored bags. Feet stay warm and dry when protected by stylish Wonder brand bread bags; paint brushes will be ready to use the next time when sealed in a Wonder bag; keep some in your car for trash, and a couple in your pocket just in case.
10. Pack a few Hostess snacks in your vehicle for emergencies. What you consider an emergency is up to you. For some it means being stranded in a snow storm in Northern Minnesota; for others missing lunch qualifies.
11. Bring some Ding Dongs and Sno balls on your next trip to the airport. Whether you choose the pat-down or the full body scan the TSA agents will appreciate the humor and all that delicious Hostess goodness.
12. If the first eleven ideas don’t increase profits to help Hostess “confront burdensome debt,” then perhaps a pack of Donettes could be included in the severance package for their labor force when the company closes its doors.