Friday, September 23, 2011

My apologies

I was at a church bazaar recently with my wife. During our stroll through the tent we stopped to look at some plants to purchase. Rhonda picked up a small wandering jew (a plant – not a person) and handed it to me. She talked about getting that one and possibly one or two others – she wasn’t sure. So as I listened to her rationale I set the plant down.

It was then that it happened. While we were regarding the plant a lady reached in front of us and plucked it from the shelf. “She’s got a lot of cheek,” I said to myself.

My options were many: I could have physically blocked her from reaching in, confronted her with the rudeness of her actions, the plant could have been snatched from her hand, or I could have told tell her that we were considering purchasing this very plant and would she mind waiting her turn. But with any of these an apology would have followed – first from my wife to the lady for my actions, then from me to the plant-stealing lady, then from me to my wife for embarrassing her, then from me to me for ever leaving my house in the first place.

I did nothing and let her have the plant. In retrospect, not doing anything was the best option because I didn’t have to apologize, which is good as I have been told that I apologize too much – and for that I am truly sorry. It’s just that when you confront trouble instead of avoiding it you are bound to run into regretful circumstances.

I found myself in the middle of many apologetic situations when I was growing up because trouble was usually met face to face. That may have been when I became aware of the power of an apology. Properly timed and recited with sincerity, a proper apology can defuse an explosive setting. I also know that if something is said too frequently it can lose some of its effectiveness (kind of like the boy who cried wolf).

I know that Dad ceased to be convinced of the genuineness of my apologies for he often said, “Sorry nothing! You don’t know what the word means.”

I often think of Dad’s phrase when someone delivers a non-apology apology, “I’m sorry if you felt offended,” or “I’m sorry that you didn’t like what I said.” It reminds me of the little boy who was disciplined for being mean to his sister. When prompted by his mother to apologize for calling his sister stupid he says, “I’m sorry you’re stupid.”

A little forethought can avoid feelings of regret or remorse. But if you are to blame, take responsibility, apologize, and try to make things better. In “Tie a Yellow Ribbon,” John Wayne said “Never apologize mister, it’s a sign of weakness.” I’m uncomfortable disagreeing with a national icon, but I think admitting when you are wrong and asking to be forgiven requires strength because you stand alone when doing so. An apology can defuse an argument and dislodge barriers that disrupt clear communication.

But on the other hand everyone is too easily offended these days and our country is too quick to apologize. Perhaps The Duke did have a point and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Apologize when you are wrong, but when someone wrongs you turn the other cheek.

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