New Year's Plans

Happy New Year! To those of you who, as a conversation starter, will ask, “Was Santa good to you?” I can honestly say yes, I received some very nice gifts, including a Columbia fleece to keep me warm when winter finally arrives in 2012. And as is my habit, I pre-purchased some things for myself in anticipation of the Christmas giving season – because after all it is better to give than to receive (and I knew I wouldn’t get everything on my list). One of the gifts I gave myself caused questions and confusion.

“A banjo? You bought a banjo?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I thought it might be kind of fun to play.”

“Is this going be like the drums, harmonica and violin?” (Those items were purchased to support pursuits that never really took off).

“No, this is different.”

“You sure have a lot of interests.”

It’s true I do have many interests, and this New Year is no exception. In 2012 I have three things I want to accomplish: further my education, take the mystery out of chocolate boxes and improve a common-household appliance.

The first thing involves rocketry. We often hear how something is not as hard as rocket science, or you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to accomplish a certain task. I get a little tired of having the study of projectiles held up as the stick from which all difficulty is measured. And to prove them wrong, I think this year I may study aerospace engineering and learn about the physics of trajectories, lift, thrust, etc. How hard can it be? It’s not rocket…oh wait.

Well anyway onto the second thing. All boxes of chocolates (not just the classy ones) should have a chart of the contents on the underside of the box top. However, placing it on the bottom of the box would create some humorous situations and possibly sell more chocolate. Unfortunately, a chocolate treasure map would remove the charm of Mrs. Gump’s adage because, unlike life, a well-mapped box of chocolates would always let you know what you’re going to get.

My own mother must have grown tired of watching half-eaten candy spit into the waste basket – that image can ruin an otherwise festive atmosphere. As with other problems, she would cut the chocolate into smaller pieces to expose the stickiness of the situation.

And finally, few problems in life can bring such temporary horror as a bad haircut and the immediate need to correct it. As a child, my friend Mark once jumped out of a barber’s chair and stormed out the door half-way through a haircut when he saw his reflection in the mirror.

I have experienced that heart-stopping realization. Clippers, designed for screwing up your appearance at home, come with several guides that fit over the blades. They are supposed to help you cut your hair at an even length. This works only if they are put in place.

I have been half-way through a haircut when I removed the guide to do a quick touch-up around the ears. The screaming started shortly after I picked up where I left off. It was then that I realized I forgot to put the guide back on. But then it was too late because I had disfigured myself with several one-inch-wide swipes. My wife, Rhonda, was summoned from whatever secondary task she was doing to fix my hideousness.

Therefore for 2012, I propose that clippers designed exclusively for home use should come with an automatic shutoff when the guide is removed. As I cut my hair about once a month I may only have about twelve more times to screw it up anyway, because according to some interpretations the Mayan Calendar signifies the end of this age on December 21, 2012.

The Mayans, who lived in Central America over 1,000 years ago, devised a calendar that did not continue past 2012. Some people think the Mayans knew that the world would end at the end of this year. With all due respect to pre-Columbian society, I am not going to worry about it though. I will sit up in my room, warmed by my new fleece, and plan for next year.