Tort or Tart

Tort Reform is a subject not easily handled in a short newspaper column by a non-expert. So sue me.

Tort reform, among other things, may restrict the type of lawsuits filed, the amount of the award, and may require the accusing party to pay for the legal fees of the defending party if the accuser loses.

A tort is a wrongful act or an infringement of a non-contractual right leading to legal liability. A tort should not be confused with the word tart which has several different meanings: sharp in taste, a cutting or sarcastic remark, a pastry, or a promiscuous woman. If you called your waitress a tart because she served you a sour lemon dessert which caused you to pucker painfully, both of you may be guilty of a tort.

But this is neither a food nor a legal advice column. It’s more of a “what I think about that,” column.

I try and resist the temptation of the easy buck through litigation, but sometimes it’s hard to avoid. This summer while knocking on doors in vain (or was it vainly knocking on doors?), I walked up a flight of steps from the sidewalk to get to the front door of a house. On the top step was a skateboard just waiting to launch me, an unwary traveler, into space. I laughed out loud while I looked for the hidden camera.

Once I had finished my business with the front door I wisely avoided the skateboard/concrete stairs combination and cut through the yard to the next house. I normally try and “stay off the grass,” but I thought trespassing was a better choice than breaking my … tailbone.

Recently I have had several opportunities to join a class-action lawsuit club. This is where a group of people, who supposedly share a common grievance, get together and sue whoever they think is responsible for the perceived wrong they have received.

Sometimes it’s about an investment I don’t ever remember making, other times it’s an advertisement wanting me to consider whether asbestos may have impaired my health. I’m not sure if I have ever come in contact with asbestos. It’s best not to think about it, but I lay awake at night wondering about it. This lack of sleep is affecting my health. I may have to seek legal counsel and sue the TV network, the ad agency, and the law firm who are all making me paranoid.

Many times statements are made in commercials to entice people to buy a product, or at least provide some separation between similar products. Consider M&M’s for a moment. They claim that their candy “melts in your mouth, not in your hand.” Well that’s not true; I’ve tried it. If you hold them long enough in a tight fist they’ll melt. But really, is it something to sue the candy man over?

Are Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes “Great,” as Tony would have us believe? Those delicious corn flakes with the sugary layer on top are occasionally part of my balanced breakfast. But are they great? Hardly, they’re just pretty good. In fact, I can think of many other cereals I like much better, but that’s another column.

One ad informed me I may be entitled to benefits if I had purchased a certain brand of razor five or six years ago. It seems the guilty razor company stretched the truth as they stretched your whiskers when they claimed their razor could give you a shave so close that strange women would want to touch your face.

Maybe tart reform is the real issue here.